I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting


Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness


We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.


i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.


I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard


sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.


I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.


I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me


dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.


All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.


id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"


i think i'm in class. and blacked out.


And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone


She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.



This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame